Article by Nola Lee Kelsey
Denver officials deny being reactionary after a new law was pushed through in record time. Less than twenty four hours after the Presidents dog, Barney Bush, bit Reuters reporter Jon Decker the city of Denver, Colorado has outlawed Scottish Terriers, banning them from living within city limits.
I saw it on Fox News, so it must be true! said Denver Councilman Jethro Noscience (R). He went on to add, That video is shocking. It is unequivocal evidence that Scotties are vicious menaces to society and should be ripped away from their families and killed. Scottie Specific Legislation was passed for the safety of the citys citizens. Denvers citizens themselves are to bewildered to be interviewed.
In passing this legislation Denver officials did not want to leave any dog unturned. As a preemptive move West Highland terriers and Cairn terriers were also added to the citys ever-growing Kill List. In addition, any cross or mix of these breeds must also be euthanized within two hours of conception.
When asked how Animal Control Officers (ACOs) would identify mixed breed terriers Top Critter Cop Jennifer Killemall said, Well obviously if a dog weight less than 35 lbs and has bad hair they are a terrier. Da sh*t! It should be noted, Killemall has recently been nominated to serve on the Diplomatic Corp.
Almost as soon as the ridged genetic science of bad hair was announced lines formed around the block outside many of the citys best dog grooming facilities. Bichon Frises and Affenpinschers were lined up as far as the eye could see. Several visiting tourist from Florida mistakenly wandered into the lines, ultimately casting their vote for a Samoyed as President of the United States just by pressing several buttons on a dog dryer.
Meanwhile, when reporters inquired why Wheaton Terriers were not on the Kill List, Killemall said, Everyone knows hypoallergenic dogs dont bite. She added, Were not barbarians! We respect the rights of citizens who have allergies. Denvers four Asthmatic dog owners breathed a collective sigh of relief.
Despite this kind-hearted logic, the first seizure of a small pet dog left some people a tab bit perturbed. Cairn terrier owner Dorothy Oz said she had supported the Council when they voted to pass Breed Specific Legislation (BS) against pit bulls, but now that these laws suddenly affected her own family and life, it was cruel and senseless BS. I didnt know that by giving away other peoples rights, I was setting a dangerous precedent and putting my own rights at risk.
Initial raids did not go smoothly. Small dogs are like potato chips, no one have just one. ACOs were force to flee South Side Senior Care Facility when they were ascended upon by a frenzy of fuzzy critters. One Officer nearly had both legs severed in a well-coordinated and seemingly deliberate series of small bites and ardent leg-humping. It appears Jon Decker got off easy, so did the terriers.
On a related note, Band-Aid® stock plummeted today on word that other cities may be just as preposterous as Denver. This pushed once robust financial markets to the brink of collapse. Overall, however, health care investments are still considered a safe bet. Hospitals have reported no change in the number of Emergency Room admissions since any of Denvers breed bans were passed.
When compared to the number of children who murder their parents, general homicides, infanticide, car accidents, household falls and fatal falling coconut incidents, dog bite deaths dont even register on the radar. E.R. Doctor George Tyler noted that until the Mile High City bans reproduction, sex, driving, guns, cigarettes, alcohol, mountain bikes, skate boards, stilettos, butter, lawn mowing, aluminum based deodorants, spiders, rust, baths and Thai soup his hospitals doors will always remain open. Upon hearing this proclamation Denver City Council immediately scheduled more meetings designed to protect people from life. Watch for Proposition 666 coming to a ballot near you!
Meanwhile, at area shelters, Pit Bulls on death row are now being stacked up like Tupperware® in order to create space for all the old lady dogs being impounded. If we cant start killing family pets faster this facility will be in deep dog dodo, announced newly hired Dog Pound Manager Mike Vick.
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Undated: This just in! The last remaining dog in Denver has been seized by ACO officers. Shelby, a 16 year old, toothless, narcoleptic Old English sheepdog (or so they say) was torn away from his life-long family today. While out jogging, Denvers Mayor spotted Shelby through an open curtain and instantly determined that he was a Pit Bull / Westie cross. When asked if he was indeed a vicious dog, Shelby could not be awakened for comment.
All hail common sense!
